Glee, go softly into that sweet night.

There’s something so soul-crushing about the deterioration and prolonged death of a series that even I couldn’t find very much funny to write about. What do you say about someone who chooses to lose their integrity? The worst of it is that I go back every week to be abused, because I LOVE Glee and I somehow think it will love me back but it never does. It only pulls back for another blow. The bones we’re thrown are apologies for the show’s desperate grabs for mainstream appeal, never realizing that the things we fell in love with in Season One were risky, absurd, and niche.

WHAT WENT WRONG?

(subheading: Rachel Berry of Season Three, you are not the Rachel Berry I fell in love with)

Glee‘s triumphant lion came roaring through, blowing audiences away with its absurd humor and joy of music, and is well on its way to going out like a lamb, bleating ineffectually and grasping at disparate plot points.

Don’t go, Glee. I love you. I swear, even when I’m saying how much I HATE you, I still love you. I just want you to remember your glorious roots and not think you can pretend it didn’t happen. *insert metaphor of the band whose first album was widely praised for being different but who later changed their sound and became “sellouts” when people started throwing money at them*

Rachel Berry was the love of my life. In Glee. Which was practically my life for a year. It was probably the biggest girl crush I’d had since Catwoman and Jean Grey when I was six. And this is coming from a mostly heterosexual woman who likes her fictional men dirty and mean and her fictional women elusive and strong. Rachel Berry does not fit this description. She can be strong in the wake of dissent, but mostly she’s emotionally fragile and easily hurt and there’s nothing at all mysterious about her. Everything she is is entirely transparent and she says what she means without diplomacy. I like her because she’s different, a total outcast despite (or because of) her incredible talent and she’s got GUTS.

Sure, maybe she’s not sheathed in leather, cracking a whip at unsuspecting thugs, or crushing skulls with a flicker of her mind, but beneath the fragility, there lies a backbone of admirable density.

But something happened along the way. Rachel Berry got lost in the whirlwind of Season Two and by Three, had forgotten entirely who she was. Character growth happens. I’m not against it. Puck’s transformation this season from delinquent manwhore to determined, responsible father, and later emotionally fragile badboy was amazing.

But Rachel Berry has some other powers at work. It’s not just that she’s different. It’s that she’s an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON. Rachel Berry of Season One wouldn’t even recognize the Rachel Berry of Season Three. And that is not a good thing. I miss the Rachel Berry I fell in love with.

LET ME COUNT THE WAYS:

Can we start with the hair?

It may seem a trivial thing but it’s not. Besides the face, a person’s hair is the thing that distinguishes them. Rachel Berry is the suburban girl next door. Mostly plain (but HOT), minimal makeup, cardigan, and a plain hairstyle of beyond-the-shoulders-no-bangs-no-product look. Rachel Berry is au natural. She can pull this off because her personality is larger than life and even with beauties like Quinn, Santana, and Brittany prancing around, Rachel Berry can still outshine them all.

With the bangs, Rachel Berry transforms into Lea Michele, a glamorous, gorgeous starlet making her name in Hollywood. But wait. Where did Rachel Berry go?

Along with a mysterious appearance and personality makeover, her wardrobe, too, dropped the awkward-hot schoolgirl skirts, knee-high socks, and cardigans for Quinn-esque summer dresses that display way too much fashion savviness. How did all of this happen over the course of the summer?

Her personality morphed from the shat-upon underdog to the glamorous girlfriend of the quarterback. (And do not get me fucken started on Finn. I assure you, I’ll get there)

The Rachel Berry of Season Three no longer stands up for unpopular things. In Season One, Rachel was an active advocate for glee (the local pariah colony), for sex when the hypocritical uber-Christians were set on slut-shaming and pathologizing desire, and gay rights (on behalf of her awesome fathers).

Rachel Berry of Season Three is set on making bad choices Rachel Berry of Season One would smack her for: getting married while still in high school, cheating by stuffing the class president ballots, and running for said office, knowing that she has several extracurriculars to put on her application while her good friend Kurt had few – knowingly damaging the friendship (okay, Season One Rachel Berry MIGHT have done this, but I’d like to think that due to her lack friends and the glee club members’ revulsion of her, she would be trying her hardest to win them over – including not screwing over Kurt in the elections).

Rachel Berry of Season Three is also no longer the unfortunate object of desire of Jacob Ben-Israel, who fell off the face of the planet. What a shame. Part of Rachel’s charm as the underdog is that as an incredibly reviled and unpopular student, there was still one person in the entire school who worshipped everything about her…and he happened to be even more repulsive and lower in social standing than her. The dynamics were hilarious. But now, with Rachel’s rise from underdog to big dog…maybe Jacob Ben-Israel’s disappearance has to do with the fact that there’s not much to love anymore.

There must be some adage about how love makes you uninteresting. Audiences like the struggle, the tension, chemistry, and ultimately, we like to be denied. Do you think the X-Files would have been half as interesting if Mulder and Scully got married halfway through the series and made out in every episode? Every time you deny us, we come back craving more. You have to make us want it. You can’t just perk up an ear, listen to a fan gush their namesmush and say, “yeah okay. We’ll totally make it work.” FUCK YOU. And I really couldn’t give a shit about Lea Michele and Cory Monteith dating IRL. Do you think that just because Michael C. Hall married Jennifer Carpenter that Dexter Morgan began to have feelings for his adoptive sister? NO. The writers have SENSE.

The sign that a writer’s lost integrity is when they allow outside influences to dictate content in order to “people please.” Don’t treat us like idiots, listen to what we say, but ultimately, you need to write the thing that serves the narrative, not the fans (who don’t know what they want). If the narrative is good, the fans will follow. There is nothing at all satisfying in giving us “what we ask for” (or what you seem to think in your twisted brain we want).

I’d like the record to show that I in no way asked for Finn and Rachel. TALK ABOUT PUKE CITY. FUCK FINN HUDSON. (I’m sure Cory Monteith is a nice guy, but FUCK FINN HUDSON)

For me, the ultimate question for Rachel Berry is: what is she fighting for?

In Season One, several things drove her character: ambition, the need to be liked, love, and the desire for her amazing talents to be recognized by people who are not her fathers.

Love killed it. Once Finchel became a “thing,” everything fell apart. She didn’t really have to fight for love, she got it, as shoddily as the person it was coming from was. Her talents were acknowledged by the entire glee club and solos weren’t viciously (or gamely) fought over. Although not Ms. Popularity at school, she was liked by the glee club, and why want for anything else when you have actual friends and goddamn LOVE, which just made her purely Finn’s prop fucktoy and no longer herself. The only piece of Season One Rachel Berry we are left with is her ambition and that was poorly planned by the writers because though she worked her ass off for the NYADA audition, how much character development can you possibly foster when most of that plotpoint involves waiting and is entirely out of her hands? Once again we return to the passive prop who doesn’t actually actively move any action forward.

Oh, my child, what have they done to you?

WHY FINN SHOULD JUST GO AWAY (FROM RACHEL, NOT NECESSARILY THE SHOW)

I’ve been over it time and again…so I’ll try to leave Season One’s abuses out of it. Finn’s hideously homophobic reaction to Kurt when they shared a bedroom was entirely unforgivable as he pretended to be totally normal and open at school while pursuing Rachel Berry on the side. He’s two-faced. And Rachel never found out and never got to be outraged on behalf of her fathers. He lied about being a virgin. He claims to care about friendship, but when Puck informs him that he’ll have to repeat his senior year and will go to prom then, Finn just shrugs and offers a proverbial “kbye!,” leaving behind a “friend” to pretend to be a caring boyfriend when just hours before he was screaming and MANHANDLING Quinn on the dance floor. I understand he was angry, but truthfully he didn’t know the whole story. Quinn couldn’t walk under her own power, she may have injured herself further forcing herself before she’s ready, but there was Finn, ready to yank her bodily out of her chair to prove a nonpoint. And I’m sorry, but you do not EVER touch a woman like that. Rachel deserves so much better.

SO WHY IS JESSE DIFFERENT?

If you kept up with my “back nine” Glee ramblings of Season One, you know that I adore Jesse St. James and never wasted an opportunity to push the point that he was a much better choice over Finn. So why would love with Jesse be different over Finn’s painfully terrible relationship woes? Why wouldn’t it just stick Rachel Berry in the same dull love interest role she’s been trapped in for two seasons?

Because Jesse is hilarious. In all the ways Finn isn’t. He also shares her interests and ambitions and they would just fuel each other into increasingly insane heights. Duets, auditions, matching outfits, dreams of Broadway, diva fights, being so irritating to those around them tensions with the glee club would rise and Rachel’s little bubble of happy stability could be transformed into something more akin to Season One’s underdog fighting antagonism and general unpopularity.

(And don’t even try to ignore his last act of selflessness where he stopped Whoopi Goldberg and pleaded on Rachel’s behalf for her admittance, no intention of having Rachel find out, but just for the fact that he believes in her talent and thinks she deserves to have her dreams actualized.  Seriously.  Aww, like fuckdorable.)

Rachel and Jesse certainly wouldn’t have been voted King and Queen, no thanks to Quinn and Santana who did Rachel absolutely no favors by giving her a lie of a crown and telling her everybody voted for her. Do you really think the rest of the school is going to take that sitting down? Nobody said, “I didn’t vote for her, did you?” Rachel Berry never wanted phony adoration. She would not appreciate the lie. She needs to be genuinely liked. If Quinn and Santana really wanted to make a difference, they should have given the crown to Becky. But the writers are more interested in shoving a pairing no one likes down our throats than actually affecting some sort of change at McKinley.

TOO MANY KIDS ON THIS PLAYGROUND!

Season One, the adults were given equal treatment alongside the kids. Nowadays, we’re lucky if we get a joke from Figgins or an appearance from Will that doesn’t involve him assigning the kids “music homework.” The adults balanced the show away from immature teenage wangst and provided a framework from which the children’s story arcs could parallel and provide insight into what the future might hold for our beloved New Directions campers. By pushing Will, Emma, and Sue to the wayside, we are stuck with a children’s show with children’s problems. The adults that enjoyed watching Season One praised the show for placing as much importance on adults and adult problems as the kids and their adolescent problems. What are the adult audiences left with now? Second-rate contemporary pop music they aren’t familiar with, characters who worry about being crowned king and queen, and graduation.

ALSO, YOU TOOK AWAY OUR BRITTANY, YOU BASTARDS.

I miss the funny. Not just Brittany, but funny things in general. Acafellas, St. Berry, Finn’s dumb dog persona, Sue, crazy Kurt Hummel outfits. As fans, we love the absurd realism of Season One…not the over-inflated forced drama of Season Three. It’s true that Season One went to some dark places and shed some tears, but it also always made us laugh and for the most part, kept the preaching to a minimum.

RETURN TO THE BEGINNING

I don’t want Glee to be canceled when the audience loses interest in the so-so music and the hard-to-watch plotpoints but with the kids graduated, I’m not sure there’s much point in continuing watching. Rachel sobbing, Finn running alongside the train, singing down the streets of New York city…it was just the biggest cliché imaginable. The only thing that could have saved it is if in typical NYC fashion, while Rachel is tentatively reaching into her future, passing pedestrians rudely brush past her and smash into her shoulders…rendering her once again a nobody in a new pond with no friends – WHICH WE WERE NOT GIVEN!!!

Goddammit, Glee. See, jump back to the first paragraph of this entry. I can’t even make this stuff funny.

If you must end, plan a natural conclusion and don’t let yourself get cut-off midstream. Clearly you’ve lost momentum and maybe it was inevitable…I just hope you find a way to end strong, otherwise I’m not sure I can bear to watch.

A HORRIFYING REVELATION

(postscript)

Actually I can.

A friend and I came to the awful realization that we are locked in.

We are those Star Wars nerds everyone loves to make fun of who continue to support their franchise even when the creator bastardizes his own creation. Even when Ryan Murphy destroys beloved characters or introduces plotpoints we hate…like fools, we still show up for the party with our hearts on our sleeves and our hopes in our throats. Even when we’re given Jar Jar.

Don’t let us down. Rachel Berry’s transformation was as disappointing as Anakin’s journey into Darth Vader (spoiler alert).

Yeah, that’s right. I said it. Ruin a good thing, you must not.

ABC wants Suburgatory to fail?

Still psyching myself up to write about Glee‘s Asian F.  My love of Harry Shum, jr. knows no bounds.

Let’s talk about ABC’s seemingly staunch determination to sabotage their new show, Suburgatory.  I haven’t written about episode 1.3 The Chatterer namely because…I couldn’t watch it.  There was absolutely no digital reception the Wednesday the new episode was to air and almost no reception on the replay the following Friday.  I could make out bits and pieces, but not full sentences.

This isn’t necessarily ABC’s fault…although, a stronger signal would be nice (for god’s sake, I don’t even live in the boonies.  I’m within walking distance of the downtown area of a metropolitan city).

My problem is that ABC has made no effort at all to get the show streaming on their own website, or on Hulu…a feat which completely baffles me as EVERY OTHER SHOW is on these outlets — from Revenge to The Chew to Dancing with the Stars, even Last Man Standing, which premiered a week or two AFTER Suburgatory did.  Immediately, it was available for streaming via the website.  We are about to be four episodes into Suburgatory and still nary a sign.

WHAT THE FUCK, ABC??

Why sabotage your own show?  Did someone go and piss off an exec?

I sent a query last week about the status of episode streaming which no one deigned to answer.  I can only conclude that the network wants Suburgatory to fail.  There is no reason to blatantly leave it out on their website.  The “All Shows” headline for available videos is a misnomer.  Suburgatory can’t be found, but if you are interested in girls running around with guns, have no fear, Charlie’s Angels is available for streaming.

For shame.

Just give Hulu the go-ahead to stream episodes if you can’t be bothered to do it yourself.

Looking forward to tonight’s new episode.  If I can get reception.

Suburgatory 1.2 — The Horror Story Continues

The following is an episode breakdown of Suburgatory 1.2 The Barbecue. There will be spoilers. There will also be a brief (?) assessment of Raising Hope‘s sophomore season and base-touching with New Girl.

Praise and Hope for Suburgatory

I seriously fell in love with the pilot. It had the snark, humor, absurdity and dash of heart that spoke to me on several different levels. It pokes fun without being too mean and there’s eye candy for all sexes/orientations without blinding the audience. The attractiveness of Jeremy Sisto, Jane Levy, Alan Tudyk, and Cheryl Hines is still grounded in reality. They’re nice to look at, but they don’t so bedazzle you with good looks that you lose sight of what you’re watching or stop believing the characters are who they say they are.

Take New Girl for example. Zoe Deschanel plays offbeat and dorky rather well and may join the ranks of Tina Fey as the go-to for awkward female actresses. HOWEVER, as the down-on-her-luck Jess, we are supposed to believe that she has terrible luck with men and no skills whatsoever at dating…only problem is, SHE’S FUCKING GORGEOUS. Her hair is glamorous and luxurious, she’s got serious movie-star eyes, she’s just too damn pretty for me to believe her when she continues to scare off men. Liz Lemon is much more believable. Sure, Tina Fey is a pretty lady, but when Liz Lemon is eating a pizza while wearing a slanket, she looks like a normal human being who isn’t being filmed by a high definition camera.

Also, Suburgatory somehow manages to be touching without falling into painful schmaltz. The pilot, we saw Dallas (Cheryl Hines) perform a particularly bold and presumptuous act of kindness that may have just been the feminine touch Tessa’s been missing all her life. In the second episode, there is a moment where father and daughter reconnect, closing the episode with the theme of togetherness. It could easily have been cheesy or had a campy line thrown in with music cued and a head leaning on a shoulder kind of saccharine ending…but instead we are given a fun inside of Tessa and George’s relationship as well as his relationship prior to Tessa’s birth.

George: I once dated an incredibly beautiful woman I couldn’t stand being in the same room with.

Tessa: I love it when you tell stories about Mom.

It was sweet with that hint of bittersweet underneath. Tender moments don’t need to send us reeling and reaching for a waste bin in case we gag on the fat that didn’t get trimmed.

The example of what NOT to do is what New Girl has insisted on doing every episode (so far). It’s not that I hate or dislike the show…but I’m not loving it. I want to love it, but the reality is slightly different. WHY must every episode end on horrific schmaltz? Are the writers/producers/network execs scared to let things be? Every time the show is doing fine, it takes a turn toward cheese and it makes me want to throw something at the TV. The only thing saving the show (for me) is the brilliantly written Schmidt. He’s a womanizer and douchebag (who must constantly contribute money to the douchebag jar) but he also shows real depth by mysteriously knowing an awful lot about canning homemade jam, opting to stay home and watch a chick flick with Jess, and falling prey to his wedding-celebration-lay yet again (who puts clip-on earrings on him that he fails to remove). I love parts of the show, but some of the choices they make are just…terrible (hmm…this is starting to sound like my gripes about Glee).

Oh, the Horror (of Suburban Life)

The horror scene. Everyone tries their hand at it at least once. Some do it better than others. Some fail to make it funny.

Suburgatory FTW.

Like any good horror movie, they don’t let you in on the “joke” right away. Tessa and George are nervous and fidgety, occasionally peeking behind the blinds to spy on the neighbor, Mrs. Shay (Ana Gasteyer), who is STILL watering her front yard. It’s revealed little by little. There’s only so many ways you can dodge an invitation to dinner.

“SHE’S COMING!! RUN!!!”

In a beautifully shot slow-mo sequence, Tessa and George rush about the house, performing flips and rolls and jumps dramatically in an attempt to dodge the pesky neighbor. My favorite is the daughter clearing a chair with her father attempting to vault over the table after her, knocking their breakfast to the floor, and rushing to the door without pause (yummy, you go, Jeremy Sisto!). Tessa makes it okay, but George’s jacket catches in the door. He desperately tries to free himself but can’t. He tells his daughter to go, but she won’t leave him. Just as he slips out of his jacket — which hangs limply in the door jamb — the she-beast that is Mrs. Shay catches up to him.

I laughed my ass off the whole time. It’s not that it hasn’t been done, but everyone’s face and the timing, the music — everything came together to make comic gold. Not everyone can do that.

Dancing With Myself

Oh, and did I mention Ryan Shay (Parker Young)’s car-washing technique? Holla.

I don’t blame Tessa at all for her attraction to the big idiot. He’s got a smokin’ body and he can use his ass to wash my car any day. Of course, that part might be in Tessa’s head, but Ryan is also absurdly into dancing like a fool in public so maybe he really did. A girl can dream.

Ryan finds plenty of ways to make Tessa feel terrible for finding him remotely attractive. At school, he teases his sister Lisa (Allie Grant) by showing her “how Dad does it with Mom,” proceeding to undulate and dance against his locker in a hilarious yet oddly sensual display of asinine machismo.

Later, when George and Tessa are trapped at a dinner with the Shays, Ryan chomps on his bones with relish, cracking and crunching them, then sucking the marrow out. He looks at Tessa’s plate and asks, “Do you want your bones?”

Can anyone else see why I find this show so hilarious?

Dared by Dalia Royce (Carly Chaikin) to kiss a lesbian in the rumpus room (that George is not allowed to go to), Ryan refuses to approach his sister. Tessa on the other hand…well, it gets kind of hot. Pinball machines don’t lie. (Lucky, because the scene was just about to hit uncomfortable)

In a last-ditch attempt to forget how hot the kiss was, Tessa grabs the first self-loathing Jew nerd she can find, pushes him against a vending machine, and kisses him aggressively.

Tessa: Dammit, Evan. I feel nothing. As you were, Evan.

George’s Adventures in Suburbia

Informed he must throw a neighborhood barbeque to introduce himself to the neighbors, George begins to get flustered at the mounting pressure. True, the episode loses a bit of steam halfway through, but the force with which it roared in, I don’t blame it…I just felt there was more comedy to be explored with George’s BBQ adventures that didn’t have to be skipped had there been more than a half hour timeslot to play with.

A real shining moment for George/Jeremy Sisto is when Dallas/Cheryl Hines is warning him about Ryan Shay getting a little too close with his daughter and there is the barest flicker of Sisto’s eyes that say Dallas is getting too close to HIM. It was subtle and not forced or played for laughs, but was a real moment of discomfort and I think showed true craft as an actor.

The Test: Are you Tongue-Worthy?

Against her better judgment, Tessa agrees and actually makes out with Ryan behind the bleachers. To assuage her guilt, she asks him questions, hoping he will redeem himself by revealing something attractive from within.

Foreign film? Avatar. Seeing as how James Cameron is Canadian, that gets partial credit.

He would also choose Scarlett Johansson (dead) if he could have dinner with anyone, living or dead.

Ryan is ridiculously dumb and jocky, a real walking stereotype, but Tessa can’t help herself because he is criminally hot and a good kisser. I feel for her. I really do. Her questions aren’t ones I would choose to determine whether there is a personality in there…but they seem to matter to her (which might make her every bit as shallow as the Barbies that surround her). That’s fine. It’s later that she loses me.

Lisa’s anger at Tessa’s interest in her brother seems disproportionately unfounded. And Tessa sacrifices the hot make-out sessions with Ryan in order to (presumably) cultivate a friendship with Lisa. I would say that no healthy friendship would force you to make that choice. That is seriously fucked.

So Tessa makes the somewhat lackluster analogy of Ryan being a bag of chips that she craves but that she shouldn’t eat because he’s bad for her (besides being intellectually unstimulating, I fail to see how he can be bad for her). She, understandably so, hurts his feelings. Unable to articulate himself coherently, he exclaims with his own analogy of peanut brittle because they’re “breakin’ up into little pieces.”

I seriously hope that isn’t the last we see of Ryan as a whole, but also of Ryan and Tessa’s tense relationship. There’s much more work that can be done on that front and I’d like to see Tessa continue to struggle with her conflicting desires. Plus, if Ryan actually started developing like some late-bloomer child discovering color for the first time, that would be pretty cute.

Meeting the Neighbors

Having borrowed Noah (Alan Tudyk)’s mega grill, George receives compliments on his hydrangeas from two very femme, put-together men. He expresses excitement at meeting a gay couple out in the suburbs and the two men grin with relish. There’s a gay couple in the neighborhood? DISH!

The antics continue with their praises of New York weiners (cooked on George’s own down-to-earth grill after Noah’s ran out of propane) and they have such a sausage fix, they could eat a dozen. Daintily, they kiss their wives as they leave…leaving all of us wondering if they are the picture of the EXTREMELY metrosexual man who has no qualms whatsoever with his gender identity…or if they are such terrible closet cases, they can’t conceal their gayness despite their best efforts.

Of course, if one looks at the show on a broader scale, it is more likely that it is merely an observation of the suburban man, who is softer than his hardened urban counterpart. No longer forced into male posturing, and with plenty of money to be comfortable, he can take the time to appreciate other things in life, such as: landscaping, flora, wine, personal looks/hygiene, clothing, gossip, art, and literature. These are the more “sensitive” pursuits of the metrosexual man who does not have to “prove” anything to anyone. He does as he pleases, even if his interests make him more “feminine.” All this is stated through hyperbole, of course. And a few yuks.

The episode ends where I began…the successful completion of a delicious barbeque and George reassuring Tessa that he’s been in her position of wanting someone who was no good for him, too.

An overall satisfying episode.

Raising Hope and Heartbreak

Season two continues to be strong. My love of Garret Dillahunt (Burt Chance) aside, the performance of Martha Plimpton as Virginia Chance continue to dish out the laughs.

What we learned this season: Jimmy was a music prodigy. He began sneaking beers at 13. Sabrina is rich (and magically has glamorous hair all of a sudden). And last week’s 2.3 Kidnapped was the most heartbreaking episode of Raising Hope (and anything so far this season) I’ve seen.

Right up until the last few minutes (where I breathed a sigh of relief), I seriously thought I might cry.

Firstly, Burt, frustrated with feeling under-appreciated as both a father and husband, trapped, exhausted, and depressed, CHOOSES to leave his family and go cavorting across the country in an RV. Meanwhile, his family is worried sick over his abduction.

Heartbreaking, right?

There’s more.

Virginia’s tale really almost pushed me over the edge. The show pokes fun at poverty and I’ve been there. My friends have been there. But even with the neverending cycle of being poor, the Chance family maintain an infectious optimism throughout. This episode was unusually dark in humor. Not necessarily a bad thing, I just didn’t expect that level of darkness in a show whose opening credits are a take on the Spot books.

Virginia tells about what happens while Burt is gone. Worried sick, she sits by a phone to wait for news. Fluttering about her like a nervous butterfly is Ross (Whit Hertford) [whom Glee watchers may recognize as Dakota Stanley], a diminutive cop who has loved Virginia for a very long time. As Virginia realizes Burt may never come back, she realizes there’s a man who’s never let her down: he puts the toilet seat down, leaves milk in the jug, reads Jimmy bedtime stories, has a calming effect on Jimmy’s ADHD, and takes up less of the bed than Burt ever did. Virginia looks at Ross and realizes she can start again. And Ross can provide them with a better life. She takes his hand…and then Burt walks through the door.

IT IS FUCKING HEARTBREAKING. By far, the most dramatic episode of this COMEDY series to date.

Of course, the terrible guilt we all feel on behalf of Virginia (as well as ourselves for kind of rooting for Ross) is lifted as Maw-Maw’s side of the story is revealed as sinister sabotage.

One of the things I really love about the series is that no matter how many bad choices Virginia and Burt have made over the years, they still love each other (in a non-cheesy way) and even when they drive each other nuts, we as an audience can still see why they are connected and right for each other—which sadly, isn’t always the case when it comes to sitcom couples who bicker.

Really looking forward to a great season of programming.

Puck and Schue have come back from the beyond!

…the beyond being the stagnant cesspool of season two.

How great was Puck in last week’s episode?  (3.2 I Am Unicorn)

Season one, he was a favorite because he was funny, he was a badboy, he played guitar, and he was hot.  Even though he tried to stay a cardboard cutout of an oversexed jock, he showed a surprising depth of feeling that he masks with a facade of hypermasculinity.  He wants to do right by his unborn daughter.  His feelings get hurt when Rachel breaks up with him.  He desperately tries to gain the friendship he lost with Finn.

Season two, character development for Puck ceased.  He was eye candy and comic relief…which seemed to be an unfortunate trend for the season as a whole:  a lot of dicking around and not being serious about putting together a good show.

Season three, FUCK YEAH awesome!Puck is back and he says to a self-absorbed Quinn, “I don’t care about you.  I care about her” (Beth).  HAH.  His priorities are back on track with Shelby’s appearance and whatever fascination he had with Q is gone, probably in the face of her mental breakdown and new skank identity.

That said, SCHUE IS BACK.  Season one, he was one of the main characters and his plot points paralleled whatever was happening with the kids.  He also had a fair share of songs where he schooled the young’uns and proved he was hands-down the best male vocal (by a long shot) on the show.

By season two, he took a backseat to the kids, which was unfortunate, and all of his songs (the few there were) were a bit gimmicky and duets with guest stars (“Kiss” was awesome, but it had too much Gweneth.  Matthew Morrison is adequate enough to carry that song alone).  He was an afterthought to the jumbled mess of season two.

Season three, he is back, baby.  Standing up to Sue, standing up to Quinn — being masculine and take-charge with the right amount of concerned and fun.  I really missed you, Schue.  So glad to have you back.

But if I could nitpick for just a moment…Blaine’s rendition of “Something’s Coming” fell pretty flat.  Sure, he’s probably the best to play Tony of the glee club boys, but it was by no means a stellar performance.  The highlight was the great note he hit at the end, but why should I have to sit through the whole song to get to the good part?

Something I learned in my “Singing for Musical Theatre” class (which I had to perform solo in, even though I cannot sing), is that you cannot treat a musical number the way you do a normal song.  Darren Criss sung the song like it was a pop song — same intonation, pretty voice, little emotion.  Musical theatre is kind of the opposite of all that.  One of the most important things you need to do is make sure every line in the song is sung differently (extremely difficult) so that every phrase has a different emphasis, a different kind of pop to it, and so the listener can pick out all the different ideas being conveyed.  So even if, musically, one line is similar to one that came before it, you emphasize a different part to make it dissimilar.

“Something’s Coming” had none of that.  It was the same boring.  I think Darren Criss is talented and I have nothing against Blaine, but for the show to take on such an iconic song, I expected more and didn’t get it.

Throwing My Hat Into the Ring for “Suburgatory”

After looking at the reviews for ABC’s new show, Suburgatory, (as well as its appallingly bad website) I thought I would try my hand to encourage a little buzz. After seeing the pilot, I couldn’t help but feel a certain amount of giddiness at a show that embraces absurdity while keeping reality in its sights. We watch television to escape, but we need to somehow relate to the human (or inhuman) characters to feel connected. I think (and hope) that Suburgatory can take us there.

THE REVIEWS (highlights and pitfalls):

The Hollywood Reporter (Tim Goodman) – “a comedy pilot that aims for various forms of tone—nuance, snark, sweetness—hits everything just about right.”

The Futon Critic (Brian Ford Sullivan) – “a compelling mix of razor-sharp narration, horror film sensibility and an unexpected dose of heart, “Suburgatory” emerges from its pilot cocoon so sure of itself and its brand of humor that one can’t help but be impressed.”

Hit Fix (Alan Sepinwall) – “one of the few comedy pilots I can remember where I laughed more the second time I watched it than the first. The comedy of surprise is (relatively) easy; comedy where you already know what the joke is but find it funny anyway because of the confidence and shape of the delivery is much harder, and much more likely to yield good results in the long term.”

The NY Times (Neil Genzlinger) – “an unpalatable sitcom,” “the series begins with a tenuous premise…to an inaccurate dichotomy and supports that with tired, unfunny stereotypes.”

Of course, that last bit I disagree with. But we’ll get to that.

BASIC PREMISE:

 

Yummy.

George Altman (played by a very delectable Jeremy Sisto—yes, a perfect combination of husky voice and aged-to-proper-vintage body. Young Jeremy Sisto, as seen in, say, Suicide Kings, eh, not so much. But age and facial hair have done him wonders, ladies) discovers condoms in his teenage daughter Tessa’s drawer, effectively melting his single-daddy brain. In a panic from his daughter’s impending blooming womanhood, he moves her from the metropolitan Manhattan to the outskirts…to a place otherwise known as…the suburbs. Tessa is horrified by all the plastic, pink, sugar-free Red Bull, and Stepford Wives that surround her inescapable nightmare-turned-home.

I loved the pilot and would watch it again if anywheres would deem to stream it. GET WITH THE TIMES. If you want to keep up with people who have busy schedules, streaming previous episodes is a way to gain/maintain viewership. Everyone else knows this.

COMMENCE RANT/REBUTTALS/FANGIRLING:

Before I begin my tirade, might I say of Neil Genzlinger that nothing I say is meant to be taken personally. I have seen the snark of the internet and though those comments remain faceless and anonymous, Neil’s NY Times review is the only one that brought up both valid (and somewhat invalid) points with a face and name I can rail against. Neil is the object with which I can look more closely at the show and society without having to resort to even lengthier explanations. So, I’m sorry in advance, but this is all mostly in good fun anyway while retaining a certain ring of truth.

Neil seems to have this strange idea that the show is supposed to represent reality? His complaints involve erroneous dichotomies and caricatures of both urbanites and suburbanites alike. If you honestly thought Suburgatory was to be an in-depth ethnography of the upper class echelon in a suburb of New York City, I shudder to think what you thought of other highly stylized shows like Pushing Daisies and the first season of Glee (the second season was noticeably less stylized). The agoraphobic synchronized swimmers Vivian and Lily and the hyper-intense Rachel Berry aren’t meant to represent reality. They ARE, however, relatable in their struggles and loyalties while discussing larger issues through the use of hyperbole. Do you really think the Sue Sylvesters of the world are out to destroy the arts at all costs while maintaining pro-caning, pro-trash stances? Of course not. Shows set in a slightly askew reality are not meant to be taken at face value. Doing so is what caused others to call Arrested Development “not funny,” completely missing the point in the process.

It’s not funny to you because you are not in on the joke. And I’m sorry about that.

SURPRISE, the show doesn’t appeal to middle-aged men who have no clue what it’s like to be a modern woman in a hyper-body-conscious society. It’s no Modern Family, which is brilliant in its own way AND its surprisingly broad appeal, but it’s not TRYING to be Modern Family.

The other thing is (and this may come as a shock) NOT ALL COMEDY IS FOR EVERYBODY. There are plenty of male-driven comedies (Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother), so why not let the girls (and enlightened men) have the other show telling a funny story without a pesky studio audience cramping the show’s stylized comedy?

You know who the show is funny to? Women who have tried to stick to their guns and not fall into fashion/health/body traps while being pummeled on a daily basis with television, magazine ads, billboards, bus ads, browser banner ads, and pornography (either accidental or willful) telling us we are not good enough the way we are. Like Tessa, we disdain the inauthenticity of the Paris Hiltons and Lindsay Lohans of the world, but we also know the anger comes from a part of us that is jealous of all the beauty, money, power, and privilege they squander away while we still toil in our hourly-wage jobs, hoping for the “big break” that means we won’t have to worry about the bills for the next month, we’ll be able to eat well (maybe out a few times) and maybe have enough to buy a new dress so that we feel beautiful even as we hang it in our closet for another day (that might not come).

Oh, and Neil, you’d like to know why all the women want to sleep with George? Because they can sense he’s a REAL MAN. These women aren’t looking to marry him—they have husbands with extremely cushy jobs…but if you know anything about conformity, you know that it’s not good enough to be just like everybody else. It’s about one-upmanship so that you are ABOVE conformity, but as the masses catch up and the community grows more homogenous, you must constantly buy “the latest things” to stay ahead of the curve. Conformity is a CONSEQUENCE of innovation, not in contempt of it. An excellent reference would be the film The Joneses featuring a totally fuckable David Duchovny and Demi Moore in a rich suburb “selling” an upperclass lifestyle to their neighbors. The intention of “buying into” expensive things isn’t to appear the same as everyone else, but rather an attempt to distinguish oneself from others.

George Altman is a wanted man because he is different from the other men in the community (on top of being good looking, decent, and a good father). He could easily be ostracized (old money vs. new money vs. “working” for money), but his friend Noah, established in the community, vouches for him and flags him as “acceptable.” And isn’t it at least a little funny that to the rich women, the trope of wanting to fuck the “help” (the gardener, pool guy, roofer) should be George Altman, THE ARCHITECT?? That the grittiest they can manage? Oh, the scandal.

He’s new, he’s hot, and he’s untested. It’s only a matter of time before the community either breaks him or changes him and every woman wants to be FIRST while he is still individualistic (and thus, interesting) …otherwise, it’d be just like fucking their husbands (and what’s the fun in that?).

The somewhat valid point Neil brings up is that George erroneously assumes the suburbs foster a more wholesome environment for his daughter, HOWEVER, I would argue that it is not the show making this incorrect assumption…it is George himself. He is full of optimism I feel is not entirely unfounded. The naïve dream many Americans still retain is that they are going to earn enough money to move out to the suburbs where they believe there is less crime and better schools and better people. Never mind the long list of trust fund skanks in the media who party hard, do hard drugs, sweat alcohol, and fuck everybody (not necessarily a negative depending). WE know it’s naïve to move to the suburbs to try to escape sex and drugs, but GEORGE doesn’t know that (he will soon enough).

I am confident we will come to love Dallas (the brilliant Cheryl Hines) as the over-feminized mother figure for Tessa, who will no doubt begrudgingly go to her for womanly advice she cannot otherwise ask her father about. Buddy-but-not-friend Dalia is perfect in her own way, beautiful but bland in both looks and personality. In trying to achieve perfection, she is perfectly boring, stunning Barbie looks notwithstanding. I also look forward to more of Noah (Alan Tudyk), who has stolen every scene he has ever been in from Serenity to Knocked Up to Transformers 3, as he promises to be a likable rake beside the hopelessly honest George.

But if I’m honest with myself, I most look forward to seeing Lisa’s dancing brother in the next episode. Every time he dances like an oversexed, overdrugged(caffeinated?), moronic jock, I laugh my ass off at his antics. And poor Tessa, trapped in her suburban hell, is both disgusted and attracted to him, to her abject horror. Every woman knows this feeling. Feeling physical attraction to someone who otherwise is everything we hate in a romantic/sexual partner. We find them repulsive as human beings…but we can’t stop thinking about them in sexy ways. It is truly a gold mine for comedy.

Now, the show might fail to deliver on all the promises it made in the pilot. It might tank and burn and fall into sap or resort to woman-hating discourse or fail to show complex character facets…but I’d like to have more faith in both the writing and acting than that. They’ve already shown a certain level of fearlessness, they just have to keep the momentum going.

I am going to keep a close eye on this one.

J. Groff Predictions

My internet’s been down for the past week and I’ve been sort of dying to make a few predictions about J. Groff’s appearance TONIGHT.  (So I’m stealing the internet at my work after hours to quickly burp this out) 

This is all based on the teaser that played after last week’s episode.  No spoilers.  Pure speculation.

Firstly, how adorable was Kurt in his Bravehart kilt? XD  Just YES.

Okay.  I’m absolutely giddy (can I say with glee?) about Jonathan Groff’s return.  No matter how you might feel about the character Jesse St. James, my man J. Groff is a PERFORMER and he knows how to sing the shit out of any number he’s being handed.  My heart was broken when Jesse and Rachel were randomly on the outs before sectionals and I have simply been waiting, biding my time, for Groff’s joyful return.

With last week’s Rumours (good ep, btw), several things hit me:  god, I miss Rachel.  Her “Go Your Own Way” really puncuated that she hadn’t had  a real number for several episodes and the show really suffers without it.  She’s got the golden pipes and no one else stepped up to the plate to carry the show vocally in those episodes where she took a backseat. 

The other thing was, holy crap, I miss Schue.  April’s part was disappointing in her 1.5 song numbers, but seriously, when she and Will sang “Dreams,” my heart sped up because MAN, I miss the PROFESSIONALS singing together and meshing their voices.  It was absolute beauty.  And it made me yearn for Will’s flashy numbers because he, too, has been neglected vocally and he shouldn’t be.  He’s too good for the limelight.  (And tho I loved him in “Kiss,” it had too much Gweneth and not enough Schue, because HOT.)

Oh, but predictions…I’ll have to whip these out fast.

- Jesse’s back to make amends with Rachel?  Seeing as how Rachel can’t seem to land a date to Prom, it seems rather obvious that she’ll be going with Jesse (much to the glee club’s consternation)

- Jesse’s return might cause Finn to have a Finnfit and he’ll harrass Rachel about it while Quinn stews and blames Rachel

- WHO WILL WIN PROM QUEEN??  Judging from Quinn’s hissyfit, I have to assume it wasn’t her.  Maybe Santana?  Actually, I think the show might do the sweet thing and give it to Becky.  She’s a Cheerio, she’s Sue’s lackey, and she runs certain parts of the school.  She gets the underdog vote and the popular vote.  IN THE BAG.

- RACHEL AND JESSE DUET.  That was pretty much the first thought to come into my head when it was revealed he would be making an appearance.  And we haven’t had enough power duets this season.  A reunion duet where the two most dramatic characters in the show circle each other like roosters in the ring and pull off another “Total Eclipse of the Heart” :D  And okay, I did find out later that there IS going to be a duet (so slight spoiler? but if you were under the delusion they weren’t going to sing, you’re a complete idiot anyway, so…), but I don’t know what it is and will wait eagerly for air time.  (Heh, thanks to Celleye for ferreting out non-spoilery spoilers XD)

-Terri’s master plan goes into action? Because seriously.  She hasn’t done jack.  WE NEED TERRI.

-Finn will go crazy at prom and have a Carrie moment.  (okay, this won’t happen, but I desperately need Finn to FALL…)

…and that’s all for now.  I realize my thoughts aren’t really fully formed, but dude, I’m stealing internet and gotta run!

Here’s what’s been going on in my life…

Yeah. I realize these types of entries are unpopular among topical blogs. But I figure an explained update over indefinite hiatus is a slightly better option.

Why the disappearance?

Several reasons.  Sleep deprivation.  My sanity.  Focusing on my (real) writing.  An identity crisis.

Sleep deprivation/sanity

As some of you may know, the “episodic” entries were written while manic with me laboring over a keyboard all night and then going to work the next morning on no sleep.  Doing it on a weekly basis was sort of taking its toll.  So maybe the topic should be “self preservation” instead.

My writing

As ridiculous as it may seem, I actually DO have aspirations to do real writing. The blog stuff is cursory, an aside, a way to distract me from my life goals.  I love the outlet, but I also know if I let anything take over, it most certainly will.  My energies are that chaotic and that powerful.

At the moment, I am writing/creating a kid’s book (or adult nostalgia book) updated weekly online.  If I can manage to finish, I’ll know I AM capable of making something to the end.

Identity Crisis

More than one (I know, oy).  The one most pertinent to Gleephoria is that I’ve been trying to “turn my life around.”  I decided to cut out like 80% of bullshit in my life, be truer to myself, and also learn to be kinder.

What does that have to do with Gleephoria, you ask?

A lot, strangely enough.

You see, the very fabric of the blog is to squeal and fangirl and nitpick to death everything GLEE.  And if you haven’t noticed, the tone is very biting, sarcastic, and humorously “angry.”

…and…well…I kind of don’t want to be that person anymore.

Not that it wasn’t a lot of fun and that I couldn’t still derive enjoyment from writing it, but as a person who hopes to someday enter a world where my work is going to be subject to heavy scrutiny, I’m not sure I want to be “that internet asshole” who has nothing good to say, even if I ENJOY the thing I’m talking about.

I will say, however, that I DON’T think Gleephoria is “that internet asshole” — somewhat — I do think my complaints and nitpickiness come from something real and not complaining just to shit all over something because it’s popular to do so.

That said, I don’t want to stop writing in this blog.  But I also don’t want to potentially hurt people’s feelings “attacking” something so many people have worked so hard putting together.  I recognize Glee cannot please everyone at all times and this means I will not like a great many things.  I still want to complain about those things. But be a smidgen nicer about it.

If that makes sense.  Or is even possible.  I’m a pretty brutal person. :)

Gosh, I hope that doesn’t ruin the charm.  You know, of the snarky girl who pisses comically on what makes Glee terrible, while loving the show to death.